While flicking stations during ad breaks in the Simpsons, I had the misfortune of catching 5 seconds of Popstars Live. Horrible! I hear you cry in sympathy. But it gets worse! Those 5 seconds contained a soul-destroying rendition of "7 Nation Army". Not to overstate things, but The White Stripes would be turning over in their graves...

On another note, I'm really glad Batto didn't catch the Win News teaser on the same night. The phrase "good news for parents of kids with ADHD" would have prompted hours of "The good news? It's that ADHD doesn't exist!!!" style ranting.

 

Holidays!

Well, almost 4 days into 5 weeks off work, and I've spent an awful lot of my time in front of the TV. Has it been worthwhile? Here're are my "accomplishments":

• finished (re-)watching Buffy season 6, after 2.5 months ago starting right back at season 1, episode 1 (now I just have to wait 6 weeks for the final season to be released on DVD)


• watched "Intolerable Cruelty" which was very entertaining, and continued the run of successful (in my eyes) George Clooney films (yeah, sure it's a Coen brothers movie, but would I have wanted to see it without George and Catherine Zeta Jones? The answer is no)


• saw the final Matrix movie for the first time since being very disappointed when I caught it at the cinema. Much better on the small screen, surprisingly, and I actually enjoyed it this time around


• spent a day or two playing "Chaos Bleeds" the new Buffy PS2 game, and found it was pitched at exactly the right level for my gaming ability, i.e. Gumby. Also played Simpsons Road Rage, and once again a game designed for me. I actually get rewarded for poor driving!

Finally, gave my eyes a rest and made a comeback to competition basketball, just in time to play the final game of the season. After expecting to finally retire from b/ball, I now have plenty of enthusiasm for a new season, since I missed the last 2 months.

What am I having for dinner tonight? Tuna and rice...

 
OK, I was saving this up, but since some impatient reader is so ... well, impatient, here it is!

WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH... Lame covers
Car makers are mostly to blame, but it seems to be a fad now, continuing on from the wonderful electronic "Summer of '69" which had everyone conveniently forgetting Bryan Adams' Robin Hood-related sins and praying for him to be released from collaboration purgatory (Mel C, anyone?).

Some of the greatest songs of our generation have been destroyed in recent months by tight-assed advertising execs who, instead of forking out for the rights to originals, have horrid, offensive remakes which, not content with sapping the joy out of memories of the real thing, go so far as to incite nausea and revulsion.

 

ATOMIC MADMEN

The heavenly creature screeched banally at the voluminous crowds below. The voluminous crowds ignored her. She sulked.

Zxcvb (the child of atomic madmen), while heavenly, also had a sensitive temperament, and she was easily hurt by being ignored. She decided to explode. And did so. The crowds became less voluminous.

THE END

 

Well, 2003 is just about over, and it was filled with far more highs and lows than I've been accustomed to in recent times, in my life filled with dizzying averages and soul-crushing mediums. Hopefully 2004 will bring more health, as well as action on at least some of the many things I'm always talking about planning to maybe consider putting a proposal for commenting on direction of preparing a committee to decide whether to do something.

While it's an admittedly arbitrary time to start fresh, I think the new year is as good an opportunity as any to expand on my increasingly positive outlook on life, and start thinking about what more adventurous things might be round the corner as my mortgage rapidly nears its end.

But before I become philosophical in this entry, here's a re-hash of an old SSS (thanks to Liv for allowing me reprint rights):

RAZZLE AND THEN SOME

Cleveland was cool this time of year. Well, cool in a stupefyingly, stultefyingly humid and intensely, inspirationally HOT kind of way. Which was why Horace had decided that this was the way it had to be. For all time.

THE END

I think my short sentences are definitely best. That's unfortunate considering my tendency towards verbosity (for no real reason, other than perhaps a lack of focus). Anyway, for all my loyal readers, have an excellent 2004!

 
As if I didn't hate "current affairs" (aka Scaremongers are us) shows enough, now I find they've attacked the best place in the world to work. Here's why ACA (in particular) should be shunned by all thinking people:

ABS response

 
OK, time to see if these comment things are so easy that even someone with an IT degree can get them to work. If you can't comment on this post, then it means I'm a dismal failure, and was right to move away from technical things, and concentrate on people.

LIGHTNING AND THUNDER

Mellifluous profundity oozed from every lancet. Elder Frankenstein stated bluntly that no dialogue would be allowed.
"Oh, won't it now?!!!?" screeched a rebellious artichoke.
"No, it won't!" came the authoritative reply.

THE END

I had a better SSS in me at 3am when I couldn't sleep from the heat (as mild as it was, soooo not looking forward to proper summer), sadly lost in a day of drawing class diagrams and reading Unix registration system documentation. If I didn't love my job so much, that kind of thing could easily sap my will to live. Sadly for those who wish me ill (you know who you are Kam and Linda, and no I'm not putting you in my will yet...), my enormous passion and zest for living continues unabated. OK, not really, but I've been feeling pretty good this week, and making full use of my new basketball ring.

Since my demanding public is crying out for more SSS's, I thought I'd put one up which I wrote about 7 years ago, and I got the feeling it was wasted on someone who simply didn't get it. So here it is for more discerning readers:

MANGO THE PUMPKIN

“Oy! What do you think you’re doing?” screamed Juniper the strange-looking toadfish.
“Nothing much!” replied Angle Strongarm, the eminently plausible subatomic particle, obstinately.
“As it should be!” summarised Mango, who was a wonderfully attractive beige pumpkin.

THE END

Or maybe it's just not that good?!?

And, at the risk of overdoing it, here's another one, never seen by non-Bertie eyes:

PLAINLY SO

Wallowsworth the pencil-handler had drunk obscurely from the plinth of sublimation, and found herself rather pedantically free of bran. This was fairly typical in such cases, but it concerned Wallowsworth nonetheless.
Pickles wasn't quite so worried. He had never taken to the habit of perambulation, so the lack of such was a minor inconvenience at worst. This was his first mistake. His second was to get between the bran and Wallowsworth. Being snaffled by a pencil-handler is rarely pleasant.

THE END

It's material like this that got me hooked on Shaun Micallef in the first place (along with the delightful spelling of his first name).

I can only dream of a day when my Surreal Short Stories contain this much nonsensicality.

I'm really only posting this entry to update the design of my page, with a new - very appropriate - subtitle.

A couple of things:

1. the last post sounds stoopid because I worked out how to set the time correctly, so now the only time that's wrong is the one where I'm talking about how wrong the other times are.

2. the new link "Oracle of Bacon" is to a site where you can type in any actor/actress and find out how to get from them to Kevin Bacon. It also links to a page where you can find out the link between any two actors.

Of course it wasn't actually 1.19am when that message was posted, more like 6.20pm. I may be crazy, but not middle-of-the-night-keen-to-do-weights crazy!

Annoyed now. Locked out of my own garage and unable to do weights (which I'm finally healthy enough for) as a result. Can't even drink to console myself...

Now the sidebar links actually go somewhere worthwhile. I'll add more over time.

And while I'm here, a Surreal Short Story:

CARD-CARRYING CAT CONCUBINE

Predatory silence. Chilling labyrinthine confusion. These sentences set the mood. A mood of open hilarity and short sentences. Until that one. But now they're back.

THE END

OK, I just noticed how ironic my first post was, when read in conjunction with the subtitle of the page.

Not so inspired right now, but I aim to write something really craaaaaazy soon...