A sickness break from blogging, with no particular end in sight. After foolishly raving about all sorts of positive things, and how good my exercise habits were, etc. I've been sent crashing back to reality with a cold/flu/virus which has kept me from any real work or walking for the past 8 days. I'm supposed to somehow survive a 3 day training course starting tomorrow at 9, when I actually feel worse than I did last Monday, my first sick day since I started on my wonder pills. Since I can't use caffeine, and cold/flu medicine seems entirely ineffective, I remain doubtful of being an enthusiastic participant.
So, as is usual for me when I get sick again, after a whole 3 months of comparative health, I lose my confidence that this kind of chronic illness crap will ever end, that my life is going anywhere, that I know what the hell I want to be doing, blah-de-blah-blah. Some of my pessimism surfaces from a lack of activity, and the distancing effect that being confined to bed has, but the fact that negativity sits so close to the surface just makes me think I'm usually just fooling myself that I'm cheerful, and as soon as I get fatigued and have no energy for self-deception the truth comes out.
And that's why: (1) I call this the World Wide Whinge, and (2) why I shouldn't post when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Nothing is ever as bad as I make it sound (quite how useful a talent that is, I don't know) and I'm sure that once I can do more than move from bed to lounge and back without needing a nap I'll be my faux-positive self again. Hoor-koff-koff-ay!
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3 weeks ago
I think the it's pretty common for that sort of negativity to arise when people are sick. I reckon you should try to give yourself a break and just blame it on not feeling well. That might give it less power.
ReplyDeleteIf you had the nasty bastard cold I had then you would be feeling pretty bloody crapola for a little while yet - so don't panic, it does go away eventually.
ReplyDeleteI can relate though - being sick (and I hate to say it but particularly if you are on your own) can suddenly MEAN a whole lot MORE that it actually does - it is quite frightening how pathetic you can become and how quickly :) … Any kind of ill health has the potential to be really scary (who are we if we can't 'do' things we 'do') and especially lonely and isolating if you don't have a partner (in fact it rams this particular point home quite viciously if you ask me). It is very easy to loose perspective – particularly if you have had any kind of chronic illness before.
The other day my back flared up again and I had to go home from work (dread of incapacitation raises its head) – I rested and felt much better but I was still pretty spacey so I decided it would be a great idea to chop the top of my finger off for entertainment *grin* After the shock wore off and I was struggling with cloths and bandaids and blood I had a moment of such intense loneliness and sadness - because I was on my own and there was no one to … well comfort me, help me, laugh at me for being dunder head, chide me for chopping while on medication, no one to be brave for or to be vulnerable with… I am sure that having chronic illness is bad when you are with someone and it has it own kind of ‘trap’s’ but there must be more of an opportunity gain perspective and share the burden.
The overwhelming fear and loneliness that comes when you think might be ‘going back’ is surprisingly full on… particularly if you have only just started to ‘trust’ your body again. There is much more than just ‘feeling sorry for yourself’ – it is very hard to move out of chronic illness mode – because it determines what you can do (and what you can’t) and shapes your days in particularly ways – it certainly becomes a big part of who you are as a person – if you don’t like the shape it makes you – it is incredibly frustrating and disempowering. It also inclines you towards playing life too save.
Take care my friend and don’t be afraid – you have friends, you will be better soon and you won’t be under for long.
Because I am me, I really want to apologise for length, slight incoherence and intensity of this post but also because I am me I want you to know that am going to resist this urge at same time as wanting you know that I am resisting *grin*.
Hey, sit tight, try not to think too much and you'll pull through it. Just remember even the healthiest people get the flu so try not to associate this with your previous bouts of illness. All my good advice is easier said/written than done but I expect to receive a sametime from you on Friday sharing the news of your good health...and maybe even some plans for the weekend!!!.
ReplyDeleteand finally a whinge from me, I agree with J, it really sucks being on your own when you're sick but I hope reading these comments cheers you up a bit.
Thanks everyone :) The comments certainly do help, and (as was my hope) getting the complaints out of my system has also eased the frustration somewhat. More detail on what's wrong in my next post...
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