I've been trapped in my own thoughts the past few weeks, really struggling to get any coherence out of my head, Thank to Em, and a lunchtime chat with her today, the worst of my cyclic mulling has been removed. And it would be a shame to waste this taste of clarity, so I've returned to my neglected blog. (Disclaimer: The following may bear no resemblance to clarity as you understand the term...)
Here's what was crystallised by talking to Em, but was triggered by my brief period of acting director. Without realising it, I'd settled into a management routine and was no longer questioning my skills. The additional responsibility of my temporary role forced me to review many assumptions, and I found myself wanting. As I wound back to my previous role, I've been leaning back towards the hands-on technical (i.e. programming) part of my previously people-focused role. This reaction could have at least two interpretations:
1 ... Having exposed a lack of interest in taking on a broader, more challenging management role, I've decided to give building another go, shifting the career direction I'd been taking, away from the project/people management.
2 ... Scared to actually have to work at the parts of my job I already felt I was outstanding in, but proved myself wrong about, I've gone scurrying back to the black and white of code.
To be honest, I don't really know which of these is most accurate! And my perception of a lack of ability in the management area, or being able to step up another level, have had no external drivers. The feedback from others on my time in the acting role was exclusively positive. Being aware of this internal uncertainty at least allows me to work towards establishing/confirming goals for myself career-wise. While I miss the comfy rut I'd created, I at least know I need to reset my path. What will it be? Excitement awaits!
The things floating by aren't what we want to see
3 months ago