Sunday, October 17, 2004


I've been thinking a lot about my leadership style, team management, and personal motivation recently. While the drain of being sick so much the past year or so has certainly played a part in my occasionally flagging enthusiasm at work (and elsewhere), I've felt there's more to it. Struggling to become part of a team again, when I don't even know day to day whether I'll be able to get out of bed, has been exhausting. And much of my work, at first glance, requires me to do things myself. Which isn't what makes me happy anymore (maybe it never really did).

Here are a few thoughts I jotted down around midnight when I couldn't sleep.

  • I've realised I crave group situations, working with teams, chatting with friends, interacting.
  • When I'm undertaking a solo task, I spend a lot of time thinking "How can this be transformed into something collaborative?"
  • It's not enough to be doing things for people, it has to be with people too.

My extended illness(es) have served to isolate me from group situations, as well as shifted me to a me-first thinking necessary to try to get better.

  • It's hard for me to go out for food/drink with any confidence of avoiding a relapse.
  • It's hard to make plans, when I'm quite frequently struck with illness unexpectedly.
  • Its hard to avoid talking about my health problems 'cause of how largely they've loomed over me for 15 months.

Hard, but not impossible, and it's this (fairly) recent realisation that I actually don't like being alone that helps me drag myself through some really bad days (sometimes ending in the "disaster" of a rapid retreat from work to bed).

So, what do I need to do? Get involved with more groups: volunteer, discussions, study, whatever. As long as it's collaboration.